Not a typical day for me, it was 2 am and my friend sent me a link on Facebook about a battered and murdered woman. We talked about it for about an hour and I said I have to do something about this. It was too late to help the lady but not too late to start awareness about abuse and domestic violence. My friend and I understand and know the pain the deceased went through and she wants me to start an awareness to teach people about domestic abuse. This particular incident happened three years ago and I’ve been campaigning against Domestic Violence since then. I am
very passionate about this issue because I am a survivor too!
Domestic violence knows no bounds; it is an international problem that exists in one form or another in every country on the planet. Although the social, cultural, and financial circumstances of victims and perpetrators may differ, and some forms of domestic violence may seem more shocking or disturbing than others, the effects often are the same; lives are shattered!
According to the UNICEF, 28% of women in the United States, 41% of women in Uganda, 35% of women in Egypt, and 38% of women in Korea acknowledge they had been physically or sexually abused by their partners. In all, an estimated 10 to 50 percent of women worldwide are battered.
Domestic violence includes, physical, sexual, partner’s rape, psychological, verbal and emotional abuse, spousal homicide, forced prostitution, sexual abuse of children and teenagers and unequal access to food and medical care. While some of these acts of domestic violence are universal, others occur more frequently in cultures where male social, religious, and political dominance is more extreme and women’s right virtually unheard of.
I was in a marriage for fourteen years, I’m an ordained Pastor, a Professional Counselor and Coach and I thought there was no way out of the marriage for me. It was more of what people would feel and say about my decision, so I continued to live on the edge. I was hoping that one day, it would all be over. Over that my husband would change or that I would sleep one day and not wake up again to feel the pain in my soul. I would pray at night that God should take my life quietly in my sleep. I tried committing suicide, three different times. When I tried the third time and I wasn’t successful, I knew God has a purpose for my life.
Domestic violence is such a complex criminal and psychological act, with victims caught in and perpetrators engaged in the cycle of abuse, it is typically one of the most secretive of crimes. Ashamed of what they see as their own weakness, terrified of their batterers and at the same time wanting to protect them, victims tend to be reluctant to speak up an out. In general, habitual abusers rely on several tactics, including dominance, humiliation, isolation, threats, intimidation, denial, and blame to coerce their victim into remaining in the relationship and not seeking help.
Obedience and control are the hallmarks of family abuse. In order to maintain control of a spouse or children, an abuser will demand absolute obedience from family members, who are expected to ask permission to perform the simplest acts. Victims are called names, insulted, and made fun of in front of others to break their selfesteem and induce them to stay. Victims are discouraged or even prevented from seeing friends and family. An atmosphere of terror may pervade the household, with abuser sometimes destroying objects, brandishing weapons and ultimately, blaming their victims for the abuse. Financial control is another key element of domestic abuse.
The abuser is always rationalizing the behavior and a “honeymoon” phase might follow, during which abuser may be apologetic and charming: this is to ensure the victim will forgive and begging to believe things will change. In reality, however, the abuser has already moved on to fantasizing about his next act of abuse. This is the pattern!
Despite severe and extended abuse, women tend to remain in abusive relationship for a long time and some losing their lives in the process. There are social pressures on all women to remain in a marriage. In some cultures, however, divorce leaves such a stigma that a divorced woman may never be accepted by her cultural community or may never be able to remarry. In cultures where lineage, family integrity, and strict adherence to role obligation are highly valued, the risk of disgrace or losing face is serious enough to prevent a woman from leaving. Her abuser also knows this and the more reason he can abuse her.
Religion is an amplified reason for women living in abusive marriages. If the women leaves, she is typically deemed responsible for the end of the marriage, and such act is “supposed to bring shame and disgrace to the house of God” She might be called names, her character is attacked –mostly “she is promiscuous, that’s why she left her marriage” I say this all the time, yes some women are promiscuous but mostly, a woman will not just wake up one day and say it is over if she does not feel that her life is on the line, emotionally, physically or mentally.
I have listened to a lot of sermons about divorce and it all comes down to God hates divorce. I believe that strongly but there are rules to live a very happy life. If the husband loves his wife as Christ loves the church and the wife submit to your husband, there will be no abusive marriages.
Christ loves the church and gave His life for the church. You do not abuse someone that you can lay your life for. Divorce is a death in every sense of the word – the death of a marriage, a relationship or family, and a dream. No one, especially Christians, enters marriage expecting the marriage to end in divorce. I’ve been asked several times by my clients why I would not support them getting a divorce and my answer is always – every marriage go through a turbulent season and I believe that if two are in love and ready to sacrifice and work it out, they can conquer any battle together even more with the help of a counselor but I am not a supporter of domestic violence either as a Christian or a non-Christian. And I believe strongly that no one can love their spouse and continue to hurt them continuously because they want to be in control. Love does not hurt, it nurtures!
Can an abuser change? I believe yes, but he/she has to be willing to get help and in the case of domestic violence, it might be necessary for the couple to be separated for the sake of safety. Then they can seek help together. But in the process of separation, if the abuser will not stop the intimidation, and control, the victim needs serious prayers and wisdom. I will not make decision about divorce for anyone but if my client is in danger, I will call the police and arrange for a shelter.
Honor is a way of accurately seeing the immense value of someone made in God’s image. God created each one of us as a one of a kind person, with unique gifts and personality. He sees us as precious and valuable. When we see others as God see them, when we recognize and affirm their value, we help create a safe environment that encourages relationships to grow and blossom.
Scripture offers encouragement and solutions to broken relationships. With God’s help and the advice and wisdom from a professional Christian counselor, a marriage that may look like it’s over can have a new beginning, a healing, and a true restoration. If the reality of divorce or separation has landed on your doorstep, God has not abandoned you. When you turn to him in your loneliness and despair, he will walk beside you – or even carry you – each step of the way.
Up until now we’ve concentrated on finding the wind for the sails of drifting marriage and overcoming marital problems. But you may be the reader who is shaking his/her head, thinking that I just don’t understand what you’re going through. May be I know a little and have been through a lot myself. Maybe you are in a physical, verbal, emotional and mental abusive relationship, you’ve forgiven infidelity time after time, and in order for you and your children to survive, you see no alternative but divorce.
So let me make this clear: In no way am I saying to allow your husband/wife to abuse you or your children. Get to safety and seek professional help immediately. Do not keep abuse secret.
Physical abuse is not only damaging to your body, it is also harmful to your children’s physical and
emotional state. If you are being abused, verbally, emotionally or mentally, turn to God and ask for wisdom in your
situation. Repeated, prolonged attacks on your worth as a person hurt deeply and can damage your soul. Seek help from a professional counselor or your pastor. (be sure that your pastor is competent enough to handle abusive cases) Some pastors will just tell you to keep praying for God to touch your abuser, I believe so much in prayers, I pray for everything as little as asking God to keep a good parking space for me at the mall but I also believe that when you pray, you listen to God and not man, be wise and take action. You cannot change your abuser, if he/she hasn’t change in years, he might not change now but still you are not God. But your safety is important now and a dead body cannot praise God!!!
Leaving the abuser is not the end of the story; it is the beginning of a battle. This is a battle you cannot win on your own strength. If he can abuse you when you were with him, he will not stop now. He will make up stories and spread rumors, even some of your friends will hate you for leaving him. Don’t be angry, you will lose some friends but gain some and sometimes you just have to stand alone making this decision. It is your life, you are the one nursing the pain and crying yourself to sleep at night, you can just wish for them to spend a week in your shoes!
When you feel you’ve depleted all your options, continue to ask God for wisdom in order to have the knowledge to make the right decisions. God is the source of wisdom, and wisdom is found in Christ and the word. Leaving an abusive marriage is an important decision. It is difficult to decide if you should leave or not. In extreme cases, divorce or separation may be your only options. These should be your last resort. Separation or divorce is not part of God’s original plan for marriage but when sin entered the Garden of Eden, human hearts hardened and God’s original plan was marred. Seek counsel before you make the final decision on divorce but know that while God hates divorce, he loves you and will never turn His back on you.
Abuse is never deserved and it is wrong. A husband’s role of headship in a marriage never includes the right to control or abuse. A wife’s role never includes the right to control or abuse, nor does it include submitting to abuse. I was explaining to a friend what abuse does to your person – “you die a little every day and you wake up one day, your spirit is famished, your head is blank and empty and your soul is dead” you just shut down emotionally, physically and mentally.
It’s been five years that I walked away. I was called so many derogatory names, by friends and even people that knew nothing about me except that they see me on the social media. I knew there is more to life than waking up with sadness every single day because I am married. I knew life could be more enjoyed and purpose could be fulfilled if I could take a bold step that many wouldn’t take. I’ve since remarried and living my purposeful life empowering men and women to live their lives and live it right. It is not an easy journey; I was in and out of depression for four
years and so many valley experiences in between. You just have to take it one step at a time and believe that with God on your side, you can do all things. Even when we think we have moved on and doing well and not looking back, you sometimes have situations that bring back old memories.
I get angry sometimes because I am human, but I know God is using my past to minister hope for others. So when I look back and see where I am coming from, I am in awe of Him. I knew God preserved my life for a purpose, so here I am…
If you are going through any form of abuse or violence, please let your decision be based on God and nothing but God. Whatever you decide to do, let God be the voice leading you all the way. I pray for courage, strength and the grace to take the bold step you need to fulfill God’s purpose for your life. It’s a long ride, you need support but you are not alone!!!
